So. There is something wrong with me. A rut perhaps.
I'm just going to ramble until I feel content. I know the only person in the world who may, or may not, care enough to read this will understand my ramblings. She knows me so well.
I am enrolled in College Algebra, Acc. English III, Accounting, and "Volleyball" for the fall semester. How exciting. That algebra class is costing my parents nearly $500.
If I don't get an A I will be devastated.
Devastated.
I have no ambitions what so ever except to be extremely good at everything I do. Pretty big but pretty small ambition.
I quit violin so many times because I wasn't good at it. I have now been taking lessons for quite a few months. Haven't quit, but I still suck. I feel it's a step in the right direction for me, though.
I don't do art anymore because I am not up to par with the artists out there I admire.
I am not taking physics, or pre-calculus because I know I won't get an A.
I did not do the talent show because I knew I wouldn't win.
Do you see a trend?
It is a fact that if I continue on in this way I will never learn to do anything and, therefore, will only be good at the things I can do by nature. Which, as I get older will be limited to loving my man, making pasta, and having babies (it's a family thing). Oh I am honored to be predestined to be good at these things, but I want to do more. And I won't let myself learn because I am afraid of failure.
That's why I'm doing volleyball.
I am not a very good athlete. I am the last person to finish our mile run (with a good 45 second gap), I am incapable of hitting the ball, all my serves don't go over, and I cannot move very fast.
Well I felt good at camp when Cammille, our court coach said to be, "You've got the most drive out of all of them. I tell you to try and you try. You're a hardworker." I swelled with pride.
I hate the girls on my team. All of them. They are ditsy, dim-witted, and dumb. They are the epitome of my generation and they make me absolutely sick. But I smile. I laugh at their jokes, I follow them around like a stray puppy and I wore their socks at camp when they offerred. I have no idea why. To "fit in" perhaps. I just don't want to openly be mean to anyone. its not what I do.

Fitting in has always been my strong point. I feel like being very positive in this entry. I think more people should write down what they love about themselves, to reflect on the good not the bad. So here is what I will write.
1. I'm a positive person.
2. I can get along with anyone. And I will make sure of it.
3. I am good at everything I choose to do.
4. I am beautiful without being fake.
5. I have the hips of an Italian goddess
6. I am I a very hard worker
7. I am creative.
8. I am cheap.
9. I am accepting.
10. I am loving.

That felt really good. You should try it. And be honest with yourself. It isn't bad to love yourself. I realize that now. I've realized that since I moved here and got on with some of the most interesting people. One of my friends is unbelievably conceited. She taught me this little lesson unintentionally. She is confident and fearless. She  can go too far and because of that I highly recommend the love stays a tad on the humble side, but not hidden.

Anyways. I am the happiest I have ever been. I love myself. I have nearly cried several times, randomly, in the strangest situations, for   the past week. No reason whatsoever. I think it is joy. Whatever it is. Because I am not sad. I have physical pain here and there but I can bear it. One time was while I was laying in my boyfriends bed and he told me he didn't want to make love to me that day. I didn't want to either and I was about to say the same thing. But as soon as he said it my eyes welled up and I rolled over and sucked up the tears. I do not understand. Another time was when we were driving to Sonic to get my mother and father milkshakes and I really was scared about a tornado and I don't even remember what was said. But he asked if there  was anything i needed to talk about... I said no and commenced digging in my purse.. trying to control myself.
These are just two of the constant occurances. Tonight I watched a really sad romance movie and cried my eyes out all alone, so I think it will get better (hahahaha).
I love my boyfriend so much. We are going to get married. I have only two more years and we can be partners forever. I do want to get married young. I do not want to get divorced. I want to live in the country and have little babies and be a teacher. Despite what I have told him I really don't want to live with him before we get married. My parents hate when young people do that. And since the whole sex part is ruined (and they already know about it) I figured it could be the one rule I stick to. Admantly. I haven't told him yet because I hate talking about that stuff with him so soon. It feels childish. I prefer to bask in my future plans alone... and maybe sharing them here and there.. but to whom.. well .. you of course.

I want to wear my mothers handmade wedding gown. She spent $60 on the fabric for the whole thing. It doesn't even have a lining! her friends mother made it for her. I would feel very guilty wearing it though, since I'm not a virgin. But I will have to come to grips with that closer to the time. I want to be Married in my backyard in the spring.    Or in my parents backyard... or just someones land. With a few trees and long stretches of grass... losta roses and pink or yellow bridesmaid dresses. i can see it now... rows of white chairs lined up in the back yard.. I little platform with us on it..
my romantic streak kills me.

hahaha


well i had a really good point to write about. and now I just can't seem to think of it.

I feel so overwhelmed by everything and I don't know who to talk to. Or what to talk about. School. Money. Lack of friends. Religion. Food.  Natural skin care. Violin. I don't know who to talk to because I don't know what to say. I am really lonely. But I'm not alone at all. I have my Adam. I have my family and my friends... but talking about these things I think of just seems so silly to me. It isn't. But when offered the chance to speak ("is there anything you need to talk about baby?") I have nothing to say.

I can take deep breaths now better than I ever could.

I feel wonderful.